So God has been speaking to me again to write and I’ve been fighting it because this topic it’s personal, controversial, and scary.
But truth is all of those things too. The tension between vulnerability and bravery is a very tender place and this is a place I’ve been sitting in for weeks. Gay. GAY. So much big behind one small word. Big feelings. Big opinions. Big love. Big hate. Big controversy. Big misconceptions. For me, it’s a big journey. One that I’m still on, still praying about- Big time and still doing big learning and research on. I have fought this post for a long time- but for whatever reason, it’s clear I need I get this down. So here is a piece of my big journey with this small word. When my brother came out, it felt like a big bomb went off in my world. I truly was in a state mourning, that is the best way I can describe it. He was supposed to make me an aunt! I was supposed to stand up in his wedding and be BFFs with his wife and all of that was gone all of a sudden, at least in my vision of it. I was mourning the death of the future I had established for my brother. But, that’s when I had my first, at about 1,000, a-ha moments. My vision. That is what I was morning. The vision I had for my brother. The future I created for him, not the one he had from himself. I was making a job for myself that was not mine to have. How selfish is that? You know, you can share your opinion about controversial issues over and over , but what you believe is not truly tested, established and solidified until it’s staring at you from across the Thanksgiving table. Until it becomes a part of your story. Your kids story. Then you need to get real with how you feel. With where you stand. With what you believe. Because you’re going to be asked, talk to and talked, specifically if you are from a small town. This was/is my experience. I have lost count of how many questions I’ve been asked from every end of the spectrum. And it’s fine! I welcome them! How I have carried them (or lack there of) has been a huge shift from the beginning of my journey until now. How do you feel about your brothers fate as far as eternity is concerned? Do you as a Christian women believe it’s OK to attend a gay marriage? All the way to “Do you really believe being gay is a sin?" "Don't you believe that it is how your brother was made?” And literally everything in between. So I prayed, study, said "I don’t know" a lot. And the questions kept coming. After weeks that turned into months, I woke up one day with the sentence scrolling almost like a banner across my mind; “It’s not your job to figure it out.” Huh? That felt like a cop-out. Over and over I played that sentence through every hard question I wrestled with over the past two years. What? It’s not my job to have answers to each of these? It’s not my job to have it figured out? OK God. I'll sit in this for a bit. You’ve been pretty clear here... so what is my job? Because the questions are going to stop it’s not gonna get easier but clearly God you have a job for me in mind. I didn’t want to have an easy out. Complacency was not driving this. I wanted to be confident in what God has equipped me with, and do so with strength, wisdom, humility and continued vulnerability. So I continue to pray, study, question, listen, and write. I wrote my face off. Until one day clarity struck: It is your job to love. "Love others as I have loved you." "Be an example of Christ love." "Love one another." Love is your job. It’s not my job to figure it out it’s my job to love and be the hands and feet of Christ . The best hands and feet of Christ that I’m capable of being. This realization was both a weight taken off my shoulders and a simultaneous charge for me to pick up and carry out. It was not my responsibility to have the answers all of these questions that would not stop coming, it was my job to do the best example of love that God gave me the capacity to do so. It has become clear that this is not an easy out that results in giving up what I believe in and abandon what grounds me. Quite opposite actually. This means to pray more. Study harder. Listen with intent. Because this job, this love one another job – it’s harder than any of us can understand. It’s a constant challenge, a consistent reevaluation and ever-changing task that is only attainable with a direct link to Christ. In so many ways, it’s almost as if I have just started this journey, but the huge difference behind it is intentionality. To be intentional about Love first and for most. To be intentional about learning and saying I don’t know. To seeking multiple perspectives, not just ones that line up with my own personal ones. But most of all- intentional Love. So for all of the questions out there, I don’t have an answer to them other than the word love. Keep them coming, but just know that. Specifically Christ’s Love. That’s my job. To study this. To show this. The rest of it, that’s Gods work not mine. My job is to love. Care not Carry. |
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